What Is Vanilla Sex, Why Do People Like It, And How To Do It?

ByMarieMarcelle, Expert Blogger
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Vanilla sex: Traditional, mainstream sexual activities without BDSM or kink. It emphasizes emotional connection, simplicity, and accessibility.

Vanilla Sex

Are you confused by its name as to what exactly it is? BDSM goes beyond the world of kinky sex. Sex doesn't always have to be wild, rough, intense, or other casual. Sometimes sex is slow, gentle, soft, pleasurable, and deeply relaxing, and this kind of gentle-relaxing sex is called vanilla sex, and many people love it.

So this article is about what vanilla sex is, why people might like it, and how can we do it with more consent and safety.

What Is Vanilla Sex?

When it comes to actual sex, orgasm, and sexual satisfaction, vanilla sex is all about pleasuring each other or being overly involved in each other's pleasure. Meaning vanilla sex involves more giving and taking mutual pleasure, be it any type of gentle and comfortable sexual activity, such as kissing, masturbation, foreplay, oral sex, penetration, or any position. But, it is not like in kink and rough sex whether you role plays or force yourself, rather it is about how you do it. This way you can cooperate lovingly, hold each other, or talk to each other. Do it gently and slowly, in which all the partners are alive.

However, sometimes it can be quite intense feelings (like the intense activity of an orgasm), but you don't have rough sex for the sake of it. In this, you are not yelling at someone, hurting them, or restraining them, but on the contrary, you are giving them the freedom to love, and you are giving them love in return. Vanilla sex is a spice or flavoring, like trying to eat vanilla ice cream without any vanilla and you'll see what I mean.

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Vanilla Is Not Rough Or Kinky Sex

Vanilla sex is often described as sexual activity that is not kinky or rough sex, such as: slapping, holding, handcuffing, spitting, choking, gagging, hair pulling, biting, or domination/submission, consensual power sharing, role-playing, discipline, restraint, humiliation, pain or rough sex of any kind. All these sexual activities are far beyond the realm of vanilla sex.

As there is an overlap in kinky and rough sex because you might be doing some of the same things that are a little weird. Even a simple touch, like holding someone's hand, can be done rudely or awkwardly.

5 Reasons Why Vanilla Sex Is The Best & Why People Love Having It

It's just like what you order at a restaurant. It is not necessary that everyone's taste matches your taste, and everyone enjoys their own choice. You may like to eat the same things over and over again, or you may be inquisitive. So the issue is what and how is your taste. The reality is that there are millions of small but important ways to make all types of sex actively more pleasurable. Whether we're struggling to find pleasure and intimacy, or trying to enhance the sexual pleasure we already enjoy. There's no denying that vanilla sex is probably the hottest and most explosive sex out there if done right.

The great thing about vanilla sex may be that they pave the way for a deeper physical connection. When we think of vanilla sex, we tend to think of things that are tiring, boring, underdeveloped, and without much enjoyment, flavor, and variety. But the reality may be the opposite.

So, here are 5 very important and distinctive things about vanilla sex that prove that it is indeed full of spices. And it's the best and that's why people like it.

1. Eye Contact Intensity

Some studies report that intense eye contact between couples can intensify and activate sexual arousal. Research also shows that when you gaze into someone's eyes, it activates some degree of intimacy for many people, something that can make sex hotter. Research shows that kissing accompanied by eye contact and a lip-smacking relationship also strengthens the emotional connection, intimacy, and frequency of orgasm (intensity of orgasm) in women. And the thing about Vanilla is that you both can not only look into each other's eyes face to face but also see the expression of bliss on the face, which increases the peak of excitement.

2. The Hidden Powers Of Kissing

However, this may seem counterintuitive to some, as kissing is often considered the most superficial level of intimate activity. Yet kissing is a huge part of sex, which makes even smooth sex wild and hot, and that's why kissing is given so much importance in vanilla sex. Kissing, especially in women, is associated with increased sexual satisfaction, which is not surprising, as emotional intimacy is a strong predictor of sexual satisfaction (orgasm) in women. Many researchers and experts prove that it significantly increases the chances of reaching orgasm in women.

3. The Magic Of Missionary Sex Position And The Heat Of Orgasm

Vanilla sex and missionary sex positions complement each other, and recent studies show that the missionary position is, in fact, the top position most likely to bring women to orgasm. This may not be true for everyone as everyone has different tastes and preferences, but the fact is that it works for most people. Even though it's simple sex positions and movements, this type of face-to-face sex can set the stage for more powerful pleasure.

4. Lead-Up Settings

Even though we think of sex as something separate from our normal lives, flirting and being physical should be a big part of the equation. A lot of what makes sex enjoyable is the lead-up setting. Several studies have shown that sexually satisfied couples make simple but romantic attempts to set the mood, which can range from candles to colorful lights, romantic music, and others, and this ranks first among vanilla sex methods. Also, try to have some alone time for yourself away from the kids, and when you do all this, you end up with a stronger orgasm, and this is what makes this sex special and people start liking it more.

5. Slow Down

Vanilla sex leads to slow and comfortable movement, and even slow sex with eye contact can be very intense and hot. It is well known that slowing down can make sex last longer, meaning the duration of sex increases. And most importantly, it can help us feel more connected to our bodies during activity. Sexism thrives more when it is conscious. It is true that to be good you have to be present and alive. And to be present, your mind doesn't need to be racing with all these different thoughts and expectations, satisfactions and orgasms, fears and insecurities. Being present, being alive, not overthinking, and focusing on your own and your partner's cues can keep things warm, fun, and relaxing.

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Some Misconceptions About Vanilla Sex

As gentle and erotic as vanilla sex is, unfortunately, there's also a lot of unnecessary judgment about what some people think about it. Some people believe that if people know they are vanilla, they may be embarrassed, or that people will react as if it is a bad thing. Whereas in fact, vanilla is an exciting delight and delicious taste. There are some misconceptions people have about it which are mentioned below.

It's Boring and Sucks: Can Sex Be Boring? So yes sometimes it can be, but the reality is that it's not vanilla that can be boring or pointless, any sex that makes you uncomfortable can be boring. As humans, we crave novelty and extras, be it sex or other pursuits. But vanilla is so gentle and sweet that it doesn't get boring, and one doesn't even expect wildness in it. You don't have to have wild, risky, hard, or explosive sex to have a great sex life. You can even do some simple things to make it wild and explosive, like trying a new sex position, adding a toy, or even changing the location of the sex.

It's Less Evolved: Some people feel that vanilla sex is a less pleasurable act because it's less evolved. Although most of the people involved deny it, the idea may arise from the judgment of others, even if the person with the vanilla activity is satisfied. Of course, for some this may be the last point. But for others, it is part of an evolutionary process. However, the truth is that it's not for the weirdo or hardcore lovers. Due to the stereotype associated with queer sex and the associated misconception that vanilla sex can only be PIV intercourse, many people believe that queer people do not engage in vanilla sex. But since vanilla is a non-kinky sex activity, queer people can be queer and prefer vanilla sex.

It's a Low Pleasurable Sex Drive: oh really? So it isn't, a lot of people define vanilla sex as just PIV intercourse. There is a misconception that within the cis-heterosexual dynamic, vanilla sex is less pleasurable for women, especially those who prefer hardcore sex. But the truth is that even women who do hardcore sex sometimes have soft thoughts because the variety of sex is the most enjoyable. Because women are more likely to orgasm during partnered sex: when they have oral sex, try new sex positions, spend time in foreplay, and engage in deep kissing, all in vanilla sex are included. So keeping aside misconceptions and diving into the ocean of bliss is the biggest truth.

Benefits Of Vanilla Sex

It doesn't matter what kind of sex you are indulging in, the most important thing is that you give time, be patient, and take it easy rather than rushing it, then sex will be more satisfying. If you haven't had much vanilla sex, you should know that it has tons of potential benefits, and you should try it.

  • The simplicity of engaging in vanilla sex is enough to turn up the heat in the bedroom, and if you show patience, the duration of sex can be longer, resulting in stronger orgasms and incredible sexual pleasure. Plus it can help us be more present and feel a different level of connection with our partner, which leads to warmer and stronger relationships.
  • This gentler sex can allow people to activate their senses more. For example, there are many changes in the female/male body during sexual intercourse. For example, you can feel the sound of your partner's breathing which can increase your arousal, smell their body which is very pleasant during intercourse, or can be wild from the taste of their mouth.
  • If you like to indulge in kinkier sex than normal sex, even some vanilla experiences can create different tests and excitement in your sex life. For couples who are sometimes too confused, don't like to go into rough sex, or just don't have time for other casual sex, vanilla sex can be a great way to go. Sometimes sex life takes a hit for some reason, so to keep it alive it can be beneficial to include vanilla sex in it. It can also be important for people who have children, who live in a joint family, or who lead a busy lifestyle.
  • Vanilla also works for beginners to sex life, it can help to learn patience and relaxation, or those who are bored with casual sex find a flavor in the form of vanilla.

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Is There Anything Wrong With Vanilla Sex?

No, vanilla sex is very common and special, there's nothing wrong with that. Vanilla sex is as rich, intimate, explosive, pleasurable, and satisfying as any other sex. Whether you are in Kink-BDSM Play, Casual Sex, or Vanilla Sex, they are all of the same pleasure and value, as long as part of the foundation of mutual consent, respect, and trust. And everyone has different values. Vanilla sex can be more fun and orgasmic if we are positively involved, and value each other.


According to the results of studies and research, most people have experienced vanilla sex at least some or most of the time, and most people enjoy it. In fact, as opposed to rough and kinky sex, people have admitted that they prefer vanilla sex as a symbol of gentleness and patience. However, the reasons for enjoying sex can be different, and different varieties of sex have different reasons, and everyone who has sex wants different sensations, feelings, and expectations during and after sex. It is clear that people have different types of sex, or engage in sexual activities in different ways. So if someone wants to be soft, slow, patient, comfortable, gentle, or normal while having sex, it doesn't mean they always want to do it, but it can be a variety. Overall vanilla sex can be the most satisfying for couples.

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